"Zaki wrote...he noticed his own perspective shift"
In the days after my first arrived, the protective instinct felt like a full brain rewiring. My wife's mom gave us a break for a day, and this thought kept sneaking in like a hiss "she's taking the baby...she's taaakking the baby...", it felt like going insane. Maybe some of it was sleep deprivation, but be careful around new parents.
One of the most interesting insights here is that parenthood doesn't simply make us more empathic, it changes the scope of our empathy. The challenge is whether our concern remains confined to "my child" or expands into a deeper commitment to the wellbeing of all children and future generations. The best parents often seem to make that transition. Raising children teaches patience, sacrifice, responsibility, and service, but it can also inspire broader civic engagement, mentoring, volunteering, and community leadership. Perhaps the ultimate test of parenthood is not only how well we care for our own children, but whether that love enlarges our sense of responsibility for other families, other children, and the society they will inherit...
Although you could argue that you're perpetuating your own genes...and many people think it's selfish to have kids at all, given climate change and the environmental impact of human activity.
This made me think of a completely tangential question. When do parents share in the accomplishments of their children and when don’t they?
Some parents I know really feel that their child’s accomplishments are their own: “look at that. I am such a good parent. I am responsible for this”
Other parents are a little mystified my their child’s decisions and accomplishments: “thats not what i taught them… Why couldn’t they just do the thing i encouraged them to do?”
I think when we don’t personally feel responsible for the life outcomes of our children, we find it hard to empathize with their accomplishments / life decisions.
I'm beginning to suspect that we're altogether too focus on personal motivations and values and benefits. These kinds of norms should not be (and never before have been) based on the whims and well-beings of individuals. They should be constituted based upon what benefits society. Previous generations understood this intuitively, which is why constructs like honor and sex roles and natalism were unquestioned, save by the most extreme radicals or in times of great cultural decay.
"However, becoming a parent is also profoundly selfish, because it concentrates our focus on our own genetic kin and motivates us to favor our children over everyone else"
It has nothing to 'my own genetic kin'. Absolutely nothing. It has everything to do with a part of my personality, a part of my identity - a part of my 'soul'. I don't love my daughters because of their genetics (they happen to have my genetics - but it is close to irrelevant) I love them because of their personalities which was shaped by the years we had the privilige to spend together.
That might be true, but people choose to give birth to children instead of adopting children who already exist. So genes do play a role, even if unconsciously.
If parents were truly so selfless and loved children so much, why would that apply mostly to their own children, rather than to children who are actually in need of a family and who may have a lower quality of life because they were abandoned by their parents?
"who are actually in need of a family and who may have a lower quality of life because they were abandoned by their parents"
beacuse :
- having sex is FUN
- burocracies are AWFUL
- most people are not woke 'I-care-about-each-and-every-children'- type of caricatures but real flesh-and-blood persons
----------
Let’s put it this way: I don’t think any sensible parent would “swap back” their children if they received a letter from the hospital stating that they had been accidentally switched - ten years ago..
Whenever I see a woman and notice she’s breastfeeding, I can’t look away fast enough not to clock that she noticed I noticed she was breastfeeding and in that nanosecond she looks at me the way a cat looks at a bird.
"Zaki wrote...he noticed his own perspective shift"
In the days after my first arrived, the protective instinct felt like a full brain rewiring. My wife's mom gave us a break for a day, and this thought kept sneaking in like a hiss "she's taking the baby...she's taaakking the baby...", it felt like going insane. Maybe some of it was sleep deprivation, but be careful around new parents.
One of the most interesting insights here is that parenthood doesn't simply make us more empathic, it changes the scope of our empathy. The challenge is whether our concern remains confined to "my child" or expands into a deeper commitment to the wellbeing of all children and future generations. The best parents often seem to make that transition. Raising children teaches patience, sacrifice, responsibility, and service, but it can also inspire broader civic engagement, mentoring, volunteering, and community leadership. Perhaps the ultimate test of parenthood is not only how well we care for our own children, but whether that love enlarges our sense of responsibility for other families, other children, and the society they will inherit...
You're perpetuating the species at a significant cost to yourself. That seems selfless regardless of larger structural conditions.
Although you could argue that you're perpetuating your own genes...and many people think it's selfish to have kids at all, given climate change and the environmental impact of human activity.
Right. It's selfish to have kids but, also, it's selfish not to.
This made me think of a completely tangential question. When do parents share in the accomplishments of their children and when don’t they?
Some parents I know really feel that their child’s accomplishments are their own: “look at that. I am such a good parent. I am responsible for this”
Other parents are a little mystified my their child’s decisions and accomplishments: “thats not what i taught them… Why couldn’t they just do the thing i encouraged them to do?”
I think when we don’t personally feel responsible for the life outcomes of our children, we find it hard to empathize with their accomplishments / life decisions.
I'm beginning to suspect that we're altogether too focus on personal motivations and values and benefits. These kinds of norms should not be (and never before have been) based on the whims and well-beings of individuals. They should be constituted based upon what benefits society. Previous generations understood this intuitively, which is why constructs like honor and sex roles and natalism were unquestioned, save by the most extreme radicals or in times of great cultural decay.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/2-visions-of-reality
"However, becoming a parent is also profoundly selfish, because it concentrates our focus on our own genetic kin and motivates us to favor our children over everyone else"
It has nothing to 'my own genetic kin'. Absolutely nothing. It has everything to do with a part of my personality, a part of my identity - a part of my 'soul'. I don't love my daughters because of their genetics (they happen to have my genetics - but it is close to irrelevant) I love them because of their personalities which was shaped by the years we had the privilige to spend together.
That might be true, but people choose to give birth to children instead of adopting children who already exist. So genes do play a role, even if unconsciously.
If parents were truly so selfless and loved children so much, why would that apply mostly to their own children, rather than to children who are actually in need of a family and who may have a lower quality of life because they were abandoned by their parents?
"who are actually in need of a family and who may have a lower quality of life because they were abandoned by their parents"
beacuse :
- having sex is FUN
- burocracies are AWFUL
- most people are not woke 'I-care-about-each-and-every-children'- type of caricatures but real flesh-and-blood persons
----------
Let’s put it this way: I don’t think any sensible parent would “swap back” their children if they received a letter from the hospital stating that they had been accidentally switched - ten years ago..
Whenever I see a woman and notice she’s breastfeeding, I can’t look away fast enough not to clock that she noticed I noticed she was breastfeeding and in that nanosecond she looks at me the way a cat looks at a bird.
All I wanted was a coffee. But carry on. 🫡